APH Alphabet
by Kilo 'E' Prowers
Summary: Series of oneshots I post, each with a prompt from a letter of the alphabet. I have most prompt ideas worked out, but feel free to drop me a word or two. Some will be comedy, some romance, some... well, mostly comedy to be honest. Some will be serious though. Chapter Two: B - Burn. Updates every (1 or 2) week(s), earlier with reviews.
1. A - Atlantis

APH Alphabet

A: Atlantis (Alternate Title: The Bad Touch Trio forgets something important)

A/N: First time writing APH fanfiction, so I'm sorry if they're OoC. I can't seem to find time to work on a multichapter fic, so I figured I'll work on oneshots. I can do oneshots, I can find the time for them. So, I'm going to make a series of oneshots for APH using the alphabet as prompts. Now, I have no idea if there is a canon Atlantis. If so then my bad, but I figured this would be a funny – and possible – reason to Atlantis' sudden disappearance under water. Now, for names I used the 'human' ones for characters talking to each other, and I used countries when describing them.

Disclaimer: No, I don't own APH, if I did I would know if there's a canon Atlantis.

-APH-Alphabet-A-Linebreak-

'How did I get into this situation again?' Thought Atlantis, as he unzipped his trousers. 'Oh right, the others thought this would be a good way to test our country hood.'

"Hey, Georgie, you almost done yet? The Awesome me can't wait forever you know! Kekekekeke…" Prussia called from the other side of the bush, where the rest of the Bad Touch Squad had been brave enough to undress.

"Sorry Gilbert, I'll be right there!" Atlantis called back – ignoring Prussia's sputters of the lack of an 'Awesome' before his name – a slight frown gracing his lips. It wasn't that he meant to take so long, he just got lost in thought some times. There was no reason for Prussia to single him out.

Finally kicking off his pants, Atlantis gathered his clothes and brushed aside the foliage to make sure Prussia didn't have a camera set up to take embarrassing pictures – he'd gotten one from Hungary for his last birthday, and despite protests that photography was a 'girly' pastime – how he didn't know Hungary was a girl yet still confused Atlantis – had used up both rolls of film that came with it, and was now a terror to all with any sense of dignity – or that France was waiting to… er, 'serenade', him. Luckily, both were clearly visible attempting to drown Spain in the small pond in the center of the clearing. Taking a deep breath, Atlantis readied himself, and charged in with a fearsome war cry.

"Fiiiiiiishy!" All three in the pond turned toward the sound, and were promptly flooded by the large splash Atlantis' cannonball had caused. After resurfacing, all turned to glare at Atlantis, and all noticed something peculiar about him.

"What? Is there something in my hair? Is it a spider! Get it off! Sweet lord get it off!" Atlantis panicked, and threw his hands up to brush his hair wildly, only for the clothes he had forgotten to put down to fall behind him on the shore.

"Oh." Atlantis said, realizing what his friends had been looking at him for. "Sorry."

"It's alright, we all get a bit forgetful sometimes…" Spain trailed off, looking at France and Prussia, hoping they would realize he was trying to comfort Atlantis, who could get a bit embarrassed about the small mistakes. France caught on immediately.

"Oui, oui, even I make mistakes sometimes. You just need to know when to let it go… if you need, I know just how to comfort- urk" France was cut short by a jab from Spain, but just as that problem had been solved, Prussia started another.

"Please, that's just you three peasants. The Awesome Prussia does- gah, how dare you touch me Anto- oh, I get it. Yeah, don't worry Georgie, you have the Awesome me to be here for you, so it'll all be fine." Another crisis averted, Spain let out the breath he had been holding, and softened his glare he had been digging into Prussia.

"Alright," Spain announced, getting everyone's attention. "Now that we're all here, we can begin. Everyone knows the rules, right?" He directed the last part towards Prussia, who he knew had something up his sleeve to cheat. Specifically, the straw he saw him sneak up there. Realizing Spain knew his trick, Prussia threw the straw onto the shore.

Atlantis, however, was a bit worried. "Antonio, I get that we are just seeing who can hold their breath the longest, but…" There was a tone of worry in Atlantis' voice.

"What is it, George?" Spain asked.

"Well… we can't see underwater, so how will we know if we won and can come up?" Atlantis responded, finally asking the question that was bothering him so.

Spain couldn't help but smile. It was no secret Atlantis prided himself on his love for and expertise in the water. Still, Spain had doubts Atlantis would be the winner, he just hoped that it wouldn't depress him too much. "Don't worry, one of the others will get whoever wins and tell him to come up."

Now reassured, Atlantis smiled, if timidly, and nodded that he was ready.

"Alright," France said, ready to start the challenge. "On whose count?"

Prussia spoke up immediately. "That would be mine, Francis."

The others groaned – this would not be good.

"On my count," Prussia repeated. "Eine, zwein, dr-" Prussia ducked underwater before he finished the count, leaving Spain and France to follow after, and a disgruntled Atlantis to sputter before following himself.

'Just wait' Atlantis thought to himself. 'I can do this, I can wait it out and show the others I'm not just some little orphaned country.' Little to Atlantis' knowledge, France had already given up, and Prussia would soon meet him.

"This, Gilbert," France called out to Prussia. "Is one game where it doesn't pay to get a head start."

Gilbert just glared and flipped him the bird.

France reacted quickly and caught Gilbird, while wondering where the Germanic nation had hidden his pet, who'd managed to stay perfectly dry. He turned to ask Prussia, when Spain burst between them, gulping in huge mouthfuls of air. Spain looked around while doing so, and once his lungs were no longer burning as much, spoke.

"I guess that means I win. So, where'd George run off to?" Spain asked, knowing the smaller nation must have come up earlier.

"Your guess is as good as mine, Antonio," France offered. "Perhaps he went home so as to not be disappointed in front of us. You know how sensitive and… weak, he can be."

Spain nodded. It made sense, after all. Atlantis never wanted to look weak in front of them. "So then, what now?"

"Well, I have a date," at this the other nations looked weirdly at Prussia, "with Elizaveta." Francis probably has someone to go… serenade, right around now," France's sly grin confirmed this. "And I hear that West and Feliciano are out of town, so Lovino is home alone."

Upon hearing those last words, Spain shot out of the water, grabbed his clothes, and ran off with a shout of "I am coming my Lovi!"

-APH-Alphabet-A-Linebreak-

Meanwhile, underwater:

'I can hold out' Atlantis thought. 'I'll show them I'm strong. I can stand this.'

-APH-Alphabet-A-Linebreak-

*5,000 years later*

"I can't stand this!" Prussia cried out, standing up and getting stares from both Spain and France. Both put down their cards and looked at each other.

"Gilbert, if you can't stand losing, do not host poker night at your house." France spoke sternly, still simmering at being denied strip poker.

"It's not that," Prussia snapped back. "It's just… I don't know. Do you ever feel like you forgot something really important?"

-APH-Alphabet-A-Linebreak-

A/N: And done. I have ideas for the rest of the alphabet, but feel free to drop prompts to challenge me. If I get a good one and use it I will credit you. Please review, especially telling me if I didn't capture one of the characters correctly! Sorry if its short, but I consider normal chapters to be 3,000 or so words, so my oneshots tend to drift more towards 1-2,000. Hope you got a good laugh out of it though.

For those here from my other stories: I'm going to try picking up Ashes to Ashes again, so expect to see a chapter from that sometime next week.

-Kep

~"It is not enough to do our best, we must do what is required." – Winston Churchill


	2. B - Burn

APH Alphabet: B – Burn

A/N: Second word/prompt is up! It's longer this time, and I added a short explanation at the end to clear things up for those who don't get the references.

Disclaimer: Did Austria completely steal Hungary away from Prussia? If so, I don't own APH.

* * *

Dear Journal – yes, you are a journal. Because men have journals, not diaries like girls. Yes, for the love of Go- wait, North California says I can't say 'the G-word' anymore, since it's 'offensive'. Some people need to just relax. And, you know, stop invading my privates, that'd be nice… friggen Mexico.

Anyway, where was I? Right, so I just got back from dad's place – his boss is a pretty chill guy, probably because he doesn't have to worry about reelection – and he told me and Hawaii – even though it was supposed to be just me and dad, I let her tag along: damn her and her puppy dog eyes – the most awesome story ever, except for the whole 'our capital got ransacked and burnt more than Kentucky's deep-fried chicken' part.

So it started when me and Hawaii finally found 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue – yes, West Avenue, we weren't stupid enough to look for an East 1600: which, by the way, actually exists, it's just really not as nice as, you know, the White House – anyway we finally got unlost and made it just in time to get held up at the gate. So, we pull in the driveway up to the gate so we can get in, and one of the doormen – sorry, 'highly trained secret service agents' – stops us. He walks around us, then up to the window and has me role it down. Now, by this time I figure he must be new to not recognize me, I mean, I'm South California, most awesomest not-official-but-might-as-well-be state there is. Granted, the pick-up truck we were in probably didn't help, but that's Texas' fault for wrecking my Firebird and making me take his crummy car. 'Don't worry' he says. 'I've been in hundreds of races' he says. He should go back to riding those ponies he's so fond off, I say.

Anyway, so the 'agent' walks up to the window and has me role it down – now, I actually had to role it down, with a spinning handle and all, so it got stuck about halfway and we settled for that – and asked me if I knew where I was. The nerve, of course I knew where I was! Granted, it took me a while to figure out how to get there, but I knew the White House when I saw it.

"Of course I know where I am!" I say to him, in a calm, reserved, sofista- sophesto- smart way to him. "I'm surprised you don't know me. I'm Cody Sacramento."

A blank look.

"You know, South California?"

Another blank look.

"My dad is America, you know, personification of the country?"

He was starting to look at me weird and gesture for the other guards to come over, no idea why. I was about to try again when Hawaii leaned over me and spoke to him.

"Hello sir, my names Loridee Honolulu, my dad works in the White House and I would, if it's not too much trouble that is, like to go see him. You can call him, I'm sure it's okay." She spoke to the man in the same timid voice she always did. Seriously, you'd think that being one of the most visited states she'd be used to dealing with people.

"Sure miss, just one thing," the guard replied. Strange that she'd been able to get through to him while I couldn't. "You do realize this is the Jefferson Memorial, not the White House, right?"

Well fuck.

Another twenty minutes of driving – and ten of calling dad and explaining why we weren't there yet – and we finally got to the White House. Apparently the other guard – whose name I learned was Seth and he's from California which means he is a really cool guy expect he's waaaay to normal to be from South California so he must be from that one girl who says she is related to me but is way too boring to be so and it is totally not fair she gets to call herself 'California' when that is totally me – had called ahead, because as soon as I got to the gates the guards checked my plates – I totally just rhymed… I could be a rapper – and let me through. So, finally at the White House – which in my defense looks a lot like the Jefferson Memorial… and the Lincoln Memorial, but that's for another time – me and Hawaii parked and ran – nonchalantly, like everything the most awesome state (that's me, by the way) does everything – to the Blue Room where we were supposed to meet dad somewhere around half an hour ago. Anyway, we got there – somehow – without getting lost or turned around, because this place is seriously a maze, and found… nothing. Not one person, state, country, colony, territory, or providence present.

"Well," I said to Hawaii. "This sucks."

She turned to me with an adora- small, not adorable, the most awesome Southern California finds nothing adorable, frown and was about to speak when we heard talking down the hall. "It's him," she said, before taking off out the open door. I, of course, followed her since we cool Pacific states – being me, Hawaii, and Alaska because Oregon and Washington are always depressing and North California is so not cool – have to stick together.

So, it turned out Hawaii was right, because she somehow has this 'I know what I want and I know exactly where it is' beacon in her somewhere and it's always right. Always. And so we found dad talking with – of all states – Maryland (who is sooo a rake because there is no way that was not a holding call a few nights ago and I so should have won the Superbowl and she probably slept with Louisiana just in case doing so with the refs wasn't enough). So, in order to keep me from committing first-degree state-slaughter right there on the spot, Hawaii dragged me away and down a nearby hall until Maryland left. It took a few minutes, and while waiting I noticed something strange: one of the stones near the base of the building had black marks along where the edges met the other, obviously newer stones. Almost like someone had let a firework off in the halls… Note to self: save fireworks from the Fourth for April Fools.

Anyway, this stone was bothering me because there was no way someone had snuck in and done it, and there was no way the staff would just leave a random degraded stone as part of the building, especially considering how the rest around it were new, so it had to be important somehow… hiding place for dads British 'grown-up magazines'?

Anyway, before I could spend any more time thinking about, Maryland left and Hawaii dragged me over to – finally – meet dad.

"Hey," he said to us, as if he hadn't almost been a witness to the brutal murder of one of his kids by a much cooler one of his kids. Considering how little he sees us though, he probably didn't notice how tense the atmosphere was. I swear you could have cut it with a stick of butter… wait, that's not how that goes, is it? Whatever, it was tense and stuff.

So, me, being the epitome, the crème de something-French, the most awesomest coolest cat around, responded with a collected "why the fuck is one of the bricks burnt?" which, had I known it would start another 'back in my day' story, I definitely wouldn't have asked – although this one wasn't that bad and was actually pretty interesting. So, like I said, it started a story, and once dad starts talking about his past, you can't get him to shut up until you wave a burger in front of him, which sadly the closest thing was a McDonalds and nowhere near as good as an In-N-Out, so we resigned and listened to his story.

"It started back in 1812…"

* * *

_I had only recently broken up with England, and had been left with thirteen children to take care of. Granted, that wasn't near as many as some of the others, like France, had, nor were your older siblings as troublesome to me as Mexico was to Spain. Still, I was alone and to be honest I didn't know myself or my new home as well as I thought I did. So, after a few bosses came and went, President Madison had the great idea for me to use up some more of the attic space, since it was empty at the time, and I agreed. Me and some of the military I voluntold to help me clear out the bats and moose went in ready to clear it out, and we were met with probably the fiercest sight you could ever see: a great polar bear was in the attic!_

_Now, I don't know if you've ever seen a polar bear outside of the zoo, but man, those things are way bigger than you'd think, it must have been standing eight feet tall – I still don't know how it did that when the roof is only six and a half._

_So me and the men went about throwing things at it and telling it to 'shoo' until it scurried off. Then, we turned around, and almost decided to leave right then and there. Behind us, a small army had managed to gather. There was only about half as many of them as there was of us, but they were hidden away so tightly I doubted we would have an easy time driving them out. Then, one of them – I swear I thought I was looking in a mirror when he first did this, it was crazy – jumped up and started yelling at me. He kept switching between French and English – and I think some Russian as well – but I was able to understand the gist of it._

"_You! How… you… England always… better!"He shouted, while waving something that looked suspiciously like a seal-clubbing club. Now I had no idea who this guy was, or what he and the others were doing in my attic, or why he was yelling at me about England – my first guess was that he had been sent there by England as revenge, but then I figured the Brit would never socialize with someone who knew French. So I did the sensible thing._

_I turned and ran like hell._

* * *

At this point I gasped. Dad, running from something? The thought seemed to be a mixture of treason and unreason, but seeing the serious look on his face and the fact that Hawaii was slowly nodding, I realized he was telling the truth. But just what would make Dad run?

* * *

_Yeah, I ran. I ran like a coward, right down the attic stairs and all the way to the front door. Now, I didn't leave home, because there were still strangers in my home who needed to leave, and I intended to make them. So I turned and prepared to stand my ground like a man._

_There, behind me, was the man who'd leapt out and started yelling at me. He wasn't alone though. I could see behind him the men who had been in the attic with him ransacking the kitchen, and I could see the boss' wife running out the back door with some priceless paintings in her arms. Back to the man though. Looking at him closer and in a better lit room, I could tell that he wasn't an exact carbon copy of me, but near close. His hair was a bit lighter, and he wore glasses which looked a lot dorkier on him than mine did on me. He also was a bit shorter. All in all, he looked like a younger me, but that was crazy, since there was only one me… right? Well, he soon solved that question._

"_You know what America," he yelled at me. "England always liked you better, he always cared about your revolution, didn't even pay attention to mine! You're a terrible older brother!"_

_Ah, so he's my brother… just one problem._

_Since when did I have a brother?_

* * *

"Wait a minute," I asked, breaking in for the first time. "You mean we have an uncle?" I said, gesturing to me and Hawaii.

"Yep," Dad shot back, grinning. "Sorry, it kinda slips my mind sometimes."

Then he launched right back into his story.

* * *

"_No way," I yelled at him, asserting my clear dominance as owner of the house. "I don't have any siblings."_

_The man just stared at me as if I'd swallowed a horse or something, a look of pure disbelief on his face. "Seriously," he asked. "We used to play catch all the ti-"_

"_Oh my god," I cut him off. "You're the kid who can't catch to save his life!"_

"_It's not my fault" he shot back, eyes starting to water, either from me yelling at him so much or the realization that he absolutely sucks at catch. "You always threw too fast!" Which, by the way, was the point. There is, after all, a reason they call it a fast ball. I voiced this to the other man, and his eyes changed from watery to hate-filled so fast I almost thought the guy was schizophrenic. Picking up a candle, he turned to me._

"_Let's see how you like it," and he threw the candle at me like a spear._

_I, with my reflexes honed from years of playing catch, quickly jumped out of the way, but the fur rug was a bit slower to move. The still lit candle hit the floor and the long-dried rug caught fire faster than a marshmallow, spreading over the floor from rug to rug and eventually up the drapes by the windows. When I reregistered myself I realized the man had gone, leaving behind only the echo of his mad cackling of "now who's the better brother? Eh?! EH!?"_

_I was too slow to put out the fire, as my house was literally an accident waiting to happen – we didn't have good firefighters back then, nor did we have the safety regulations that make things take longer to burn – so it burnt down. All except one of the stones in the fireplace, which had somehow managed to not get crushed by falling crossbeams._

* * *

"So," Dad said, bringing us back into the present. "I kept it, had it laid into the foundation of the White House. It serves as a reminder that possibly I might just may still have a brother out there somewhere. An insane one, but family none-the-less. Oh, and to not leave candles burning too. Also a good tip."

I smiled at Dad's ridiculousness. After all, it's common knowledge not to leave fires lit when you're out of the room. The brother thing though, that came from nowhere. There was still one thing bothering me though.

"Dad," I asked. "What was that man's name?"

"Well," he replied, looking at me. "I don't quite remember. One second, I'll ask England" he said, pulling out his phone and dialing the right number.

"Good day, England speaking."

"Hey, England, it's America. Listen, I was wondering what my brother's name was, do you remember?"

"Well, first off," he replied on the other end of the phone. "Since when the bloody blazes do you have a brother?"

* * *

A/N: And done. Well, how'd you like it? Good? Bad? Awesome? Go ahead and tell me.

Notes: The speaker was, if you couldn't tell, Southern California. Now in my mind California is like Germany and Prussia, both were separate entities, but history kinda just shoves them together. You might not notice it if you don't spend a lot of time in California, but North California is so different from South California it's scary. Usually, when someone is talking about California, they mean South California, because North California is all government and politics.

Now, the story is kinda based around the War of 1812, in which America invaded Canada and promptly was chased out. Canada then proceeded to burn down all of Washington DC, but most people remember the White House burning down, during which the First Lady managed to save numerous priceless paintings of the previous presidents (alliteration not intended).

It's also a joke about Canada, because no one remembers Canada. It's only claim to fame is being 'that one place above America'.

Now sorry to anyone reading my other stories, but I wasn't able to finish the chapter I wanted to do for Ashes to Ashes. It's about half done, so it looks like I'll fall into a APH alphabet update once a week with AtA updating once every 2-3 weeks. Hopefully.

-Kep

~ "Ich bin eine Berliner!" (translation: "I am a jelly doughnut!") - President John F. Kennedy during a speech at the fall of the Berlin Wall.


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